Heartache vs Heartbreak

"The agony is exquisite, is it not? A broken heart. You think you will die. But you just keep living. Day after day, after terrible day."

I think today has to be one of the most hideous and humiliating days of my entire life.

Some of you may think this to be hyperbolic nonsense that, come tomorrow I will have forgotten all about and that I will move on with my life however, today it is not to be.

The theme of today's hateful bile is that of men, and their idea of what is appropriate. When I first came to university, I was under no illusions of how men are, I'm a big girl I have gone through the whole spectrum of emotions a thousand times and I therefore resolved to just not do anything remotely romantic towards any boy that came my way- ridiculous drunken hate shags if you will.

But, like a complete moron, what did I do? I found a boy my second night here and proceeded to 'get to know him'. This is what he said to me after three weeks of knowing him:

"I don't go for looks, I go for personality which is why I went for you. I saw Lauren and Emma and they are so attractive I knew I couldn't get them so I went for you because you looked like you had a good personality, oh and you have nice eyes"

Let us examine what has just been said, the basic human instinct of attraction through looks was first held with my two best friends however, because I am not as good looking as them, I was an easier target.

How lovely.

Just what every woman wants to hear, you may think I am being overly critical here because after all, he said I had a good personality so why should I be annoyed? One little back handed compliment between a man and a woman, harmless.

After this I did actually get to my ridiculous drunken hate shag, I said I would call, I didn't. It was nice to flip things around for a change but oh no, this did not last for long.

8 weeks ago I was introduced to X, he was brilliant. Attractive, clever, funny and all round not a dickhead. Everyone that knew him said he was a good guy which up until a week ago was true. Around a week ago he started joking about having a threesome with my best friend, saying how attractive she was and how funny she was but swore he was joking around. A few days go by and all I get is silence then comes tonight, I message him asking if he was going out tonight, he asks if my best friend is going out, I tell him no, she's back at home, he says he isn't going.

My other best friend, lets call her F says to me that I should ignore him any way and I casually enquire as to why I should do that and she tell me that X told her that he hasn't been talking to me because he likes my best friend and that he was glad he got with me and it was good while it lasted.

Now, you may think that this is all above board apart from keeping me in the dark but ask yourself this, why did he think it appropriate to ask about her constantly, to joke about threesomes with her and then to not ask me how I am but to just ask if she is there?

Every boy here comes to me and says how pretty she is, how gorgeous she is, oh she's just stunning, she's a good girl, she's perfect. Well what the fuck am I? Some kind of connection to get to her? 

I try my absolute hardest to look good, I make effort to be able to have a conversation with people, I'm funny and I know who I am but sadly because I'm not a size 10 and Blonde I'm not good enough.

Isn't that just fan-fucking-tastic?

Now, I'm 100% sure that this is not purely a fat girl issue however I find myself questioning the reasoning behind this decision- he has met my best friend twice and never said a word to her. Not a single god damn word. Therefore the only reason I can find is that it is because she is prettier than me, which I can admit is true. Yet to reduce myself worth and effort down to this one issue is not only beyond me but ridiculous.

I can see that some of you may read this and think, so a boy doesn't like you? Big fucking woop. Get over it.

I will get over it, on my own terms (which may or may not involve a bottle of sourz and a few prozacs) however I will never understand why someone thinks that this is an acceptable way to behave. People have feelings no matter how hard they like to try and convince you that they don't.

Making someone feel inadequate and totally inept is not acceptable.

Good luck with your life without a decent idea of what morality is.

Why This Fat Chick Is Not Impressed

Recently I have noticed a trend in TV programming and people's attitudes.
It's the start of a new year and therefore the focus for most people is diet and exercise, new years resolutions to lose weight, become a new person etc.

I am beyond bored with this bullshit. I have decided that when I go back to university that I will frequent the gym more but if I don't I'm not particularly arsed about it. People who punish themselves for failing or not keeping to their resolution explicitly need to reassess their lives immediately. I am fully aware that this is just my opinion but honestly, there is more to life than losing weight and beating yourself up if you don't, if you want to lose weight, lose weight. Don't dick around with making yourself feel obliged to lose weight because you've made a resolution.

With all these resolutions comes the need for the world of television to follow suit, MTV are running the Overcoming Overeating campaign, focusing on teenagers losing various amounts of weight before going to college or whatever which is great, obesity is an issue with teenagers and yes it needs to be addressed but not for the benefit of the skinny.

Tonight, at one point there were 5 programs on surrounding this issue and I saw comments on Twitter like "I feel so thing watching these" "This is really helping my self esteem" people seemed genuinely happy about watching fat people on the television. And why? Because it made them feel better about themselves.

So, to these people that use fat people to boost their own self esteem I say get over yourselves, the larger person is not there to make you feel good. They are a real person with real feelings and if you don't feel great about yourself, ask yourself why that is, do not look at the nearest person for your fix of feeling great.

Fat Chick out.