Secret Diary of a What Now?!

Recently I have been having a crisis of confidence, not of body image or anything else largely superficial but more of a lack of moral basis or direction.
It is clear to me that I am a complicated person, we all are. Yet in my own mind I am something different to what I feel the rest of the world sees me as. On paper I am near enough what I should be for my age. Student, living beyond my means and sort of enjoying myself. I drink, I laugh, I do nothing of value or consequence and the world is ok with that because on the whole, I am ok with that.
I am nothing special, I'm not an extreme hipster, I am not a hardcore vintage girl, I am not the stripper however, I am also not the librarian.
I am largely a fantasist, I create situations to suit my own needs, I use people to get what and where I want and every goes along with it because that's it how it has always been. My best friend and I call it 'Only Child Syndrome'. We always got what we wanted and children so why should things change now? We have a knack of making people believe they are in control when really, it's us. We are greedy and people love us because of it.
I always used to think that I knew what I wanted to do in life, go to uni, get a degree, be a teacher, find a man, settle down, maybe have children and failing all those things just get a cat and revel in the amount of shoes I could buy due to have an almost entirely disposable income. But now, nothing is clear. I'm not sure I like my uni, I'm not sure I like my course, I'm almost 90% sure I don't want to teach and I'm really not arsed either way about marriage or children. So what is there out there for me? Become a ball busting middle manager in some firm somewhere that offers something totally unnecessary but you are a consumer therefore you must consume and make me rich? Or perhaps lose half my body weight, get a boob job, lose my brain while I'm at it, and sell myself?
I used to think I was strong minded, good at what I did but now I don't even know what I did. I understand this blog has become the musings of an idiot in a room in halls banging on about the lack of structure of anything and everything but I do not apologise. For if I don't talk to you then what else am I going to do?

Heartache vs Heartbreak

"The agony is exquisite, is it not? A broken heart. You think you will die. But you just keep living. Day after day, after terrible day."

I think today has to be one of the most hideous and humiliating days of my entire life.

Some of you may think this to be hyperbolic nonsense that, come tomorrow I will have forgotten all about and that I will move on with my life however, today it is not to be.

The theme of today's hateful bile is that of men, and their idea of what is appropriate. When I first came to university, I was under no illusions of how men are, I'm a big girl I have gone through the whole spectrum of emotions a thousand times and I therefore resolved to just not do anything remotely romantic towards any boy that came my way- ridiculous drunken hate shags if you will.

But, like a complete moron, what did I do? I found a boy my second night here and proceeded to 'get to know him'. This is what he said to me after three weeks of knowing him:

"I don't go for looks, I go for personality which is why I went for you. I saw Lauren and Emma and they are so attractive I knew I couldn't get them so I went for you because you looked like you had a good personality, oh and you have nice eyes"

Let us examine what has just been said, the basic human instinct of attraction through looks was first held with my two best friends however, because I am not as good looking as them, I was an easier target.

How lovely.

Just what every woman wants to hear, you may think I am being overly critical here because after all, he said I had a good personality so why should I be annoyed? One little back handed compliment between a man and a woman, harmless.

After this I did actually get to my ridiculous drunken hate shag, I said I would call, I didn't. It was nice to flip things around for a change but oh no, this did not last for long.

8 weeks ago I was introduced to X, he was brilliant. Attractive, clever, funny and all round not a dickhead. Everyone that knew him said he was a good guy which up until a week ago was true. Around a week ago he started joking about having a threesome with my best friend, saying how attractive she was and how funny she was but swore he was joking around. A few days go by and all I get is silence then comes tonight, I message him asking if he was going out tonight, he asks if my best friend is going out, I tell him no, she's back at home, he says he isn't going.

My other best friend, lets call her F says to me that I should ignore him any way and I casually enquire as to why I should do that and she tell me that X told her that he hasn't been talking to me because he likes my best friend and that he was glad he got with me and it was good while it lasted.

Now, you may think that this is all above board apart from keeping me in the dark but ask yourself this, why did he think it appropriate to ask about her constantly, to joke about threesomes with her and then to not ask me how I am but to just ask if she is there?

Every boy here comes to me and says how pretty she is, how gorgeous she is, oh she's just stunning, she's a good girl, she's perfect. Well what the fuck am I? Some kind of connection to get to her? 

I try my absolute hardest to look good, I make effort to be able to have a conversation with people, I'm funny and I know who I am but sadly because I'm not a size 10 and Blonde I'm not good enough.

Isn't that just fan-fucking-tastic?

Now, I'm 100% sure that this is not purely a fat girl issue however I find myself questioning the reasoning behind this decision- he has met my best friend twice and never said a word to her. Not a single god damn word. Therefore the only reason I can find is that it is because she is prettier than me, which I can admit is true. Yet to reduce myself worth and effort down to this one issue is not only beyond me but ridiculous.

I can see that some of you may read this and think, so a boy doesn't like you? Big fucking woop. Get over it.

I will get over it, on my own terms (which may or may not involve a bottle of sourz and a few prozacs) however I will never understand why someone thinks that this is an acceptable way to behave. People have feelings no matter how hard they like to try and convince you that they don't.

Making someone feel inadequate and totally inept is not acceptable.

Good luck with your life without a decent idea of what morality is.

Why This Fat Chick Is Not Impressed

Recently I have noticed a trend in TV programming and people's attitudes.
It's the start of a new year and therefore the focus for most people is diet and exercise, new years resolutions to lose weight, become a new person etc.

I am beyond bored with this bullshit. I have decided that when I go back to university that I will frequent the gym more but if I don't I'm not particularly arsed about it. People who punish themselves for failing or not keeping to their resolution explicitly need to reassess their lives immediately. I am fully aware that this is just my opinion but honestly, there is more to life than losing weight and beating yourself up if you don't, if you want to lose weight, lose weight. Don't dick around with making yourself feel obliged to lose weight because you've made a resolution.

With all these resolutions comes the need for the world of television to follow suit, MTV are running the Overcoming Overeating campaign, focusing on teenagers losing various amounts of weight before going to college or whatever which is great, obesity is an issue with teenagers and yes it needs to be addressed but not for the benefit of the skinny.

Tonight, at one point there were 5 programs on surrounding this issue and I saw comments on Twitter like "I feel so thing watching these" "This is really helping my self esteem" people seemed genuinely happy about watching fat people on the television. And why? Because it made them feel better about themselves.

So, to these people that use fat people to boost their own self esteem I say get over yourselves, the larger person is not there to make you feel good. They are a real person with real feelings and if you don't feel great about yourself, ask yourself why that is, do not look at the nearest person for your fix of feeling great.

Fat Chick out.

I Have Something To Confess...

No, I'm not a jealous girlfriend (sadly only a joke that is a joke if you are a hardcore Marina and the Diamonds fan like myself)
I am addicted to nail polish and nail art.
I own over 80 nail varnishes, Barry M, 17, OPI, Jessica, Models Own, No7, Accessorize, generic nail art pens,  you name it, I've used it.
I used to be a one colour a week kind of girl. I graduated to doing one one colour on one hand plus two nails on the other with three on the other a different colour to the other 7 (sounds more confusing than it is).
My mind was then blown by Barry M Crackle Effect varnish

                                            Barry M in Turquoise and Barry M special effects in Cool Pink
Now, from here I bought this effect in every colour, black, white, blue, I even treated myself to the amazing Silver one in the Pirate of The Caribbean collection by OPI (which I found to be a little disappointing if I'm honest). I also invested in the purple crackle by Models Own which is actually my favourite of my crackles.

From here I got bored with my nails, I thought it couldn't get better than the crackle top coat so I had a brief love affair with Nail Foils

         I got these from Boots, I don't know what brand they are but I do know they aren't Nail Rock

When I say brief love affair, I really do mean it. I tried these, I tried shiny silver ones, I tried realistic leopard Nail Rock foils and not one of the bastards was easier or more hard wearing. Biggest waste of money in my entire life, apart from you know.. that one time where I bought a concealer that was empty.

So, there I was in the nail care wasteland when suddenly, my mind was reinvigorated by my very good friend Louise of Because Wearing Black Looks Mysterious who was a pro a doing leopard print nails due to her recent purchase of the WAH! nails for Models Own nail art pen, so I decided to give it a go myself, resulting in this;

All Varnishes shown are Barry M, bright green, cobalt, block orange and lilac with WAH! nails for Models Own nail art pen in Black.

This was my first attempt and it is very safe to say that I am much better at it now and here is the proof:

Models Own in Gold Rush, Barry M in Block Orange and of course, WAH! nails for Models Own nail art pen in Black

From here I went to youtube nail art tutorials and started experimenting on my own resulting in all of this:

I am quite pleased with the outcomes above, if you are interested in any of the colours used in the above photos feel free to message me about them and I will tell you where they are from.

However, this is where it gets really good. Today I bought Magnetic Nail Polish by 17 and I must say I am in love.

The effect is created by holding a magnet in the lid of the brush over the wet nail varnish and BANG magic happens.

My love for nail varnish shall never end and even though my nails are absolutely stained, ruined and flakey, I will always have my polish to make them look awesome

A Fat Chick's For Life, Not Just For Christmas

As you may be aware, Christmas Day is fast approaching and with it comes the dilemmas of  fashion ideas and portion control.
Now, as a well seasoned fat chick I can tell you that there is nothing more wonderful than the crap that gets shoved in your face at Christmas time. Mostly because "you're a big girl, go on, finish it up for me."
Not only is this fucking annoying, but it is rude as. Just because I am not a size 8 does not mean I am a garbage disposal unit attending your tedious Christmas party to eat the boring selection of treats you provide.
Finding things to wear over the festive season I understand, if one is larger than popular fashion outlets decide, can be a stressful affair. It is also something I try to avoid doing at all costs as I seem to throw money at outfits that only get worn for 5 hours then shoved to the back of the wardrobe. Therefore, I have some handy tips to avoid this situation:

1. If it ain't comfy, it ain't gonna work. If you are wearing something that you think is amazing and looks good initially BUT you find yourself pulling it down to cover your bodacious arse or it cuts your arms up or it's scratchy, loose it and move on. If you aren't comfortable, you won't look comfortable.
2. Decide on a budget and stick to it, it may only be a tenner more than you had planned but that tenner will make all the difference after Christmas when you're skint because you're on a 5 week pay month.
3. Tits or legs, keep it classy, it's Christmas NOT Halloween, sweets are not being given out for free
4. Save money, accessorise yourself silly. There is nothing wrong with wearing one of your wardrobe staples and cracking out some of your glitteriest jewels or most weird head scarf. Also, do not feel pressure to conform to this seasons trends, the world of fashion is cruel but not as cruel as the bank when you've run out of money because you just had to have that 'it dress' from Topshop.
5. If you're happy with what you are wearing, no other fuckers opinion need matter to you, which is something I have only just come to realise but it is true, it's not like you're forcing them to wear what you are so fuck it.

Another Christmas obstacle is family time, I have recently come home from university where I spent 3 months living my own life and doing what I wanted whenever I wanted so coming home to a place where nothing was my own and my life wasn't what I had made it was literally the most depressing thing to happen, ever.
Within 15 hours the jibes had started; "How much pudding would you like Isabel?" "oh just that small bit there" "Sorry, did you say half of it? hahahaha you know I'm joking!"
FUCK. OFF.
I do not appreciate your comments on my size, which by the way isn't even that big in the grand scheme of things, nor do I appreciate your assumptions on my appetite. You, my family who are just as lardy arsed as me. If, by any chance you find yourself with a family what are just as prickish as mine I suggest you invest in a sense of humour, an amazing poker face, a death stare or the ability to come up with a witty come back. I usually go for the death stare, inherited from my late grandmother, mixed with the poker face. Works every time but does tend to get responses of "Oh cheer up I was only joking, Christ your miserable."
Well I'm sorry, I don't feel like being smiley for you today, maybe I'll go and eat some more cake.

Domino Dollhouse

It's 2.58 am and I have just gotten in from a night out (as usual) and I can;t sleep so it's time for some good quality fatshion blogging.

Much like everything else in my life I came across this site whilst being on Tumblr, my blog theechoinyourhead is only for fun and is mainly reblogs from other people but if something pisses me off I will write about it but anyway back to the clothes...
I always saw pictures of super cute plus size dresses that genuinely made me go awwww but I never knew where they came from until I started following fuckyeahchubbyfashion and then BANG there it was, dominodollhouse . Everything on the site is fun, has a retro feel to it and look like it could be comfortable and fit well. It is also reasonably priced!
One of my favourite pieces is the Berry Beautiful Dress from the Delectable Dresses collection

The collection also features a cupcake inspired and a watermelon inspired dress which are both totally adorable.

One of the main things I like about the site is the models they use as although they are plus sized they also have an alternative feel to them, tattoos, piercings, vintage up dos everywhere you look and they look happy! I hate it when I see an editorial of a stick thin model looking beyond miserable in a £5000 dress, it just makes me want to shove food in their face and take the dress from them. If I was in a £5000 dress and someone was paying me to take my photo I would look fucking happy about it and not stand there looking like someone had just told me to go kill myself (yes I understand designers are going for a 'look' but seriously, lighten up, it's only some clothes).

Domino Dollhouse is everything I could ever want in life, keep up the good work!

The Curse of The Women Who Are Paid To Eat

Whilst reading a well known magazine earlier I came across an article concerning a woman and her ambition to be the worlds fattest woman. The woman in question, Susanne Eman is currently 50st which you may cry out is already too big but she wants to 'balloon' to 115st as she wants to prove it is possible to be the biggest woman in the world and still be healthy.
This, to even the simplest of minds is a sheer contradiction in terms. I have seen enough health programmes and seen enough doctors to know that being even 5 stone over weight is detrimental to ones health. I am currently at this point and my health problems are minimal, I do not have joint pain or sleep apnoea but Susanne's story deeply concerns me.
I am all for fat acceptance and Susanne, although she is doing it in a way that is completely different to the way that I believe it should be done, she has a clear objective. Although she cannot do what could be classed as a real  job she is an online Agony Aunt, giving those advice on how to cope with insecurities about their bodies, she says 'You can be a good person and still be overweight.'
So far so good right? She's fighting the good fight all be it in a slightly strange way.
Here comes the part I'm not so wild about;
'Men go wild for me now and I feel so much more confident.'
I know what you're thinking, how can I have a problem with this? She's happy, why aren't I?
I'll tell you why, men go wild for her because she sits on a webcam in bikinis eating so men can watch her for money. To me, this is tantamount to prostitution and it sickens me that someone would allow this to happen to themselves.
I know that I am just a person behind a screen, what gives me the right to pass judgement on someone else, to which I say, this is just my opinion disagree all you like but this:

Is not winning the war on fat acceptance by any stretch of the imagination.