Recently I have been having a crisis of confidence, not of body image or anything else largely superficial but more of a lack of moral basis or direction.
It is clear to me that I am a complicated person, we all are. Yet in my own mind I am something different to what I feel the rest of the world sees me as. On paper I am near enough what I should be for my age. Student, living beyond my means and sort of enjoying myself. I drink, I laugh, I do nothing of value or consequence and the world is ok with that because on the whole, I am ok with that.
I am nothing special, I'm not an extreme hipster, I am not a hardcore vintage girl, I am not the stripper however, I am also not the librarian.
I am largely a fantasist, I create situations to suit my own needs, I use people to get what and where I want and every goes along with it because that's it how it has always been. My best friend and I call it 'Only Child Syndrome'. We always got what we wanted and children so why should things change now? We have a knack of making people believe they are in control when really, it's us. We are greedy and people love us because of it.
I always used to think that I knew what I wanted to do in life, go to uni, get a degree, be a teacher, find a man, settle down, maybe have children and failing all those things just get a cat and revel in the amount of shoes I could buy due to have an almost entirely disposable income. But now, nothing is clear. I'm not sure I like my uni, I'm not sure I like my course, I'm almost 90% sure I don't want to teach and I'm really not arsed either way about marriage or children. So what is there out there for me? Become a ball busting middle manager in some firm somewhere that offers something totally unnecessary but you are a consumer therefore you must consume and make me rich? Or perhaps lose half my body weight, get a boob job, lose my brain while I'm at it, and sell myself?
I used to think I was strong minded, good at what I did but now I don't even know what I did. I understand this blog has become the musings of an idiot in a room in halls banging on about the lack of structure of anything and everything but I do not apologise. For if I don't talk to you then what else am I going to do?
